I’ve read this book every day for 10 years

I’m not sure how you’re supposed to know if you’re actually healing from grief.

I’ve spent a lot of the past few months wondering about that. Because some days I feel like I’m moving forward. Other days it’s more like my favorite quote: fall down seven times, get up eight. And some days, I’m not entirely convinced I’m getting anywhere at all.

Plus, it turns out, I may have been collecting evidence without realizing it.

It’s 5:15 a.m., and it’s still dark outside, when I grab my coffee and settle into our kitchen nook with The Language of Letting Go (Daily Meditations) by Melody Beattie. 

I’ve been reading this every day for 10 years of my sobriety. In fact, It’s so worn that the covers are falling off and the pages are coming unglued. Yet, I still want her with me, first thing when I get my coffee. It’s like being with an old, wise friend. 

At this point, you’d think there wouldn’t be many surprises left in her readings.

Then I read these sentences, and I stop. 
“We stand at each gateway and protest, I don’t want this. I don’t want the healing. I want my life back, the way it was, or the way I imagined it to be. Bit by bit, the next step becomes clear. A healing begins to settle in.”

Then my chest and throat tighten, and this thought appears: Yeah, I want my life back, the way it was or imagined it to be so badly right now… 

Then I feel the tears rolling down my cheeks. 

I miss my dog, who was always curled up next to me during these times, never leaving my side. Then I think about my mom and how I won’t ever hear her laugh again or hear one of her silly stories.

I want them back, even just for a few moments. 

And I’m so tired of grieving. I thought I’d be better by now. 

I put the book down, get a Kleenex, take a few deep breaths, and wipe my tears. 

I sit back down at the banquette, I grab my coffee, take some good deep breaths, and look at what my mind just did.

I thought I’d be better by now. 

Better according to what?

Apparently, somewhere along the way, I created a timeline for grief. Five months later, I should be crying less. Missing them less. Feeling more like myself again.

And then I do what I do. I start measuring where I actually am against where I think I should be. Yeah, that’s not actually helpful….

I can take something I’m already struggling with and add another whole layer to it by deciding I should be further along, know more, and I ought to have it figured out by now.

That’s when I hear my therapist’s voice in my head. She’s constantly reminding me, “Stop judging your feelings. Remember to simply tend and befriend them.”

Hmmm…

What if it’s not about how much I’m crying? It’s that every time I cry, part of my mind pulls out some invisible measuring stick and decides what those tears mean about how well I’m doing.

Have you ever done that to yourself?

Maybe yours has nothing to do with grief.

It could be thoughts that your business should be further along by now. Or you ought to finally stop repeating that same pattern in a relationship. And be better at trusting yourself.

And you know you’ve already worked on this, and you’re smart, and self-aware.

So why are you and I still there? 

That’s the question I keep coming back to:
Who decided where you were supposed to be by now?

And then I come back to Melody’s words: “A healing begins to settle in.” 

She doesn’t give it a timeline or a deadline. 

That’s what I’m learning right now. The work isn’t necessarily getting somewhere faster. Sometimes it’s noticing when I’ve turned where I am into another reason to judge myself.

That doesn’t mean I stop doing the work. It means I stop beating myself up because I’m not where I think I “should be.”

I think THAT’S all that matters now. 

Hands at your back.
Always,
Xox
Shannon

P.S. If you’re wrestling with something in your life or work where your mind keeps telling you that you should be further along by now, hit reply. I’m opening a few complimentary 30-minute conversations. We can slow it down together, get curious about what’s really happening, and see what you may be missing.
Just click here and send me a quick note. I answer all my emails personally

Weekly Photos:

1. Ok, so this isn’t the best photo, but it is kind of cool. Let me tell you why – there are 2 deer in this photo. Look to the mid-left of the photo, and you can see the fawn’s nose and her poking it. This was a deer and her baby that crossed the path in front of me. I like how they always turn around to see where you are. I usually say a quick hi and then we walk away.
2. Haven’t been able to get a good shot of Mt. Lassen in a while. It’s been so hot and makes it hard to get a good shot. This one is just a silhouette, yet I love the clouds behind it. And below the mountain is our town. Mid to bottom right, you can see the black above-ground railroad tracks that have to cross the Sacramento River, which is why they’re so high above ground.
3. So I was watering the plants this week; some of them need some extra water this time of year. And I ran across this little guy- a praying mantis. I just love how it blends in with the grass. I think he liked to get a few drops of water with all the heat we’ve been having. Well, it is August. 🙂
4. Yep, Ruby is back. I dogsat for her this week. It’s been a while. She’s honestly one of the funniest dogs and loves any ball she finds. This one she’s daring me to grab it and throw it for her.
5. I love doing this hike a few times a week. It’s actually a fire road they put in to access the wilderness behind our house for fires. Sadly, back in 2018, a lot of this section of the forest burned. The morning I took this, I just love how those dead trees make for an interesting picture with the sun shining through.
6. Then we need one more pic of Ruby. In this shot, she’s actually sitting on my lap and lying on a pillow. I tired her out, not on purpose. We had so much fun hiking. It turned into four miles, so we were both tuckered out. And her main place when she’s tired is on your lap.
7. My favorite pics are sunrises and sunsets on our deck. Now that we’re moving into September, we’ve had some pretty amazing sunrises. Yep, I’m feeling very grateful for so many things. 🙂

P.S. If something in this story hit home and you’re wrestling with a decision, change, or something you know is there but can’t quite hear clearly, I’d be happy to jump on a call with you. Just some curious questions and a conversation to help you hear what might already be there. Leave me a comment or hit the “Contact Me” above and send me a note.

P.S.S. Love Books as I Do? – I’m always reviewing the best nonfiction books – Where Buddha Meets Business.

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