Fear doesn’t always look scary

Sometimes I… Persevere too much. I overthink and over-prepare. I just drive myself to do too much.

It’s not on purpose. It’s not like I even think or am aware of it. It’s just there, like an old used overcoat that I keep putting on and forget I’m wearing.

I wish it were more like a magic overcoat, one that could see into the future and ditch this behavior…

Nope.

It’s just this worn-out old thing that keeps me planning, making lists, refining, preparing, making decisions, remaking decisions, and then as whatever I’m preparing for gets closer, I can get kind of frenetic.

Travel seems to bring this out in me BIG time.

If I’m taking a trip, I can change my packing list at least 5 – 10 times. I try on clothes and stack them in the closet. Then on packing day, I swap things out, pack them, unpack them, and repack them.

It used to be kind of a relentless road warrior.

What’s actually pretty funny is that I spent many years in corporate America where I traveled like a banshee.

I was on a plane at least two or three weeks out of every month. And these weren’t short little trips. I traveled all over the world, spent months in Europe, Australia, Bali, Bangkok…

I have millions of airplane miles under my belt.

So why, now in my advancing middle age, do I sometimes feel this overwhelming urge when I’m about to travel that I have to control every freaking detail???

Hmmmm.

I started looking at this more seriously about a year ago when I realized my need to control and prepare for everything was starting to create stress in my life and my marriage.

And because I’m me, of course I wanted to figure out WHY.

I talked about it with my therapist. Listened to podcasts. Read MANY books. Then I realized it when I thought about my childhood and how much of it felt out of control.

My parents were often absent, physically and emotionally, and I learned pretty young how to take care of myself.

Somewhere along the way, I think I also learned something else:

If I wanted things to go the way they were supposed to go, I needed to make sure they did.

Ahhhhh…

“The Big C.”

Control.

What I started to understand was that underneath a lot of my planning, preparing, and trying to make everything go exactly the way I wanted was something much simpler.

Fear.

If I could control everything, maybe nothing terrible would happen.

And if you’ve spent enough years believing that, you don’t just wake up one morning, throw away your lists, toss a few things into a suitcase, and say, “Whatever happens, happens!”

Yeah, that wasn’t me…

What has changed is that now I finally recognize it. I have tools I didn’t have before. R.A.I.N., breathing, meditation, pausing long enough to notice what’s happening instead of automatically trying to plan my way out of whatever I’m feeling.

And one question has become incredibly helpful:

What am I afraid of in this moment?

Sometimes there actually IS something I need to prepare for.

When my mom was declining, and I was traveling back and forth to be with her, I realized those trips were different. I needed to bring more with me.

So instead of packing only my carry-on, I started using the bigger suitcase I had to check. I brought my journals, books, crystals, my Buddha, two pairs of running shoes… whatever I thought might help me take care of myself while I was taking care of her.

And I stopped beating myself up for overpacking. I gave myself permission to bring what I needed. That felt really different.

It wasn’t me frantically trying to control what was going to happen. I already knew there were things happening that I absolutely could not control. I was taking care of myself inside of it.

Since my mom died, I’ve noticed an even bigger shift. Am I suddenly some laid-back person who tosses three things into a backpack and heads to the airport?

Ummmm… no. 😉

I still prepare, make lists, and can still overthink things. Yet I’m so much more aware of that old used overcoat when I put it on.

What I’ve discovered is that healing isn’t about erasing the past. It’s about understanding why and what’s underneath, and realizing I have a choice about how I want to behave.

There are times when I really do need to prepare. Other times, I’m simply afraid. The difference now is that I can notice it, pause, and choose what I need to do to take care of myself in that moment.

And I wonder if you have your own version of this.

Something you’ve done for so long that it feels like “just who you are,” when there may be something underneath it you haven’t noticed yet.

For me, the question that keeps helping is still the simplest one:

What am I afraid of in this moment?

Curious what you think… I’m all ears…

🙂

Hands at your back.
Always,
Xox
Shannon

P.S. Please NOTE: I’m switching to a new tech stack. So there might be a little disruption over the next week or so as everything gets transferred. This eNewsletter may not show up, and it may look different. We’re still working through everything. I’ve had this system forever, and it’s time for a change. 🙂 

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Weekly Photos:

1. Here’s a pic of my new friend Parker. She visited this week to hang out with her Dad, Hank (and me). He’s the contractor building our deck. We had a good time playing chase. Who doesn’t love a dog visit during the week, with dog kisses, slobber, and a game of chase the dinosaur?
2. This lil guy was so funny. I was walking back from my hike in the forest and didn’t see any animals. And as soon as I walked back into our neighborhood (There’s a lot of greenspace adjacent to our neighborhood you can hike), I saw this guy a few houses from the trail. We stopped to chat, and then I had to get home. 🙂
3. So many Canadian geese in the water, and then there’s this guy, just watching from here. I have to admit, I’d be just like him, not sure I want to get in the water with these cold temps.
4. I do love the sunrises on the Sacramento River Trail. With winter coming, it sure makes for some beautiful colors and reflections.
5. This time of year, I see so many egrets. I saw this one fly right over me and land, too fast to film it. So we just got this shot with his reflection in the water on that lone rock.
6. Latest update: the deck is already in place. These guys are so fast. Now all that’s left is to get the railings up, and we can start using it. Just in time to put out the fireplace for fall chilly mornings/evenings. The old deck was 20+ years old and falling apart, and the wood was a big fire hazard for our area. So we used a composite wood solution from Envision Outdoor Living Products because it’s durable and will last 30+ years.
7. I shared this pic last week, but it was my vertical shot. I think this landscape horizon shot is pretty cool, too. You can really see the reflection in the water. The sun is perfectly behind the clouds, giving it just enough light.

P.S.S.S. Love Books as I Do? – I’m always reviewing the best nonfiction books – Where Buddha Meets Business.

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