Burned Trees, Puppies, and Returning to the Present

You know me and my favorite hike along the Sacramento River. I walked it before I left for Houston, where I am now, puppy-sitting my sister’s two little ones.

As I’m on that hike, I realize I need to think of this trip as a mini retreat. My sole responsibility will be caring for two young puppies. I used to train dogs. So of course, I got this.

Still, I know being there might bring up some stuff. I stayed at my sister’s house a lot when I was taking care of my mom before she died, and that was what I was thinking about in that moment.

While I’m hiking, questions and stress start flooding my mind. I can feel the anxiety building, like I need to get home, start packing and preparing. So I grab my phone and make a packing list right there on the trail.

These past few weeks, I’ve had moments where I’m honestly dumbfounded by how much trouble I’m having staying in the present moment. I thought I had better control over letting my thoughts go.

So I go back to my 5-senses exercise: I start with the five things I see, four things I feel, three things I hear, two things I smell, and one thing I taste.

Starting with five things I see.

My eyes immediately go to the burned-out trees at the top of the hill on the right side of the trail. There are a lot of them. (I don’t usually look at the hills along the trail. I mostly stick to watching the path in front of me, staying clear of bikers or runners. 🙂

Then I remember, “Oh yeah, the Carr Fire in 2018 burned through this whole area.”

As I look up and notice the burned trees, I start counting them. Then I see all the greenery next to them and all the new growth from the past eight years.

It’s so interesting to me how Mother Nature can continue to grow and prosper after a huge fire like that. An interesting fact from my father-in-law, who worked for the Forest Service, is that some trees only release their seeds after a fire.

Now I’m at my sister’s house. It’s been six days, and these puppies are pressing every internal button I have. Yikes!

Training one unruly 4-month-old puppy is hard. Add another one, and sheesh. They’re still having accidents in the house. And I used to be a dog trainer. Yep, need I say more? (Don’t tell anyone, ok?! 😉

We go outside. They do exactly what they need to do. Then they come inside and have an accident, literally 20 minutes later. So naturally, I get upset, immediately start beating myself up, and want to yell at them.

Ummmm, yeah, not exactly helpful.

And I’m getting better at catching it quickly. First, I notice I’m upset and realize I’m beating myself up. Then I acknowledge the feeling and do what my therapist Terry is always telling me:

“Tend and befriend your feelings, Shannon.”

She knows me too well. I usually want to get the feeling over with, or I’m mad that I’m feeling it in the first place. So I start to judge it.

Yeah, that doesn’t work.

I breathe, sit with what I’m feeling, and take care of myself. Sometimes that means making a cup of tea or going for a short walk.

I’ve also been listening to Joseph Goldstein’s podcast, Insight Hour with Joseph Goldstein. One of his questions has stayed with me when I want to push away my feelings:

“How am I relating to this feeling?”

Or, in my case, am I relating to it at all? Most of the time, I just don’t want to feel it.

The answer is usually the same right now. I just want to be done with whatever emotion I’m feeling, especially grief. My mind simply feels too tired of it.

Yet when I shut the feeling out, the opposite happens. It grows and festers.

Does this ever happen to you too?

Once I got sober, there was no running away from my feelings anymore.

That’s when my mind (yeah, it’s pretty chatty) goes back to the burned trees on the trail.

Does a tree think about its scars? Does it label them or spend all its time thinking about what the fire stole from the forest?

Or is it simply a burned tree in the woods, accepting its scars and being what it is?

As I’ve been moving through grief for a while now, feeling those feelings and letting them move through me has taught me a good bit. It’s incredibly painful at times. Yet allowing the feelings has also been one of the best healers.

The burned trees are still standing. The scars are still there. And all around them, the green growth keeps coming back.

Maybe that’s what I need to remember when my mind gets loud. The grief and all the feelings can still be here without being the only thing here.

Hands at your back.
Always,
Xox
Shannon

P.S. Newsletter about the 5 Senses: Click Here.
Complimentary Worksheet for the 5 Senses: Click Here.

Weekly Photos:

Yep, I’m here in hot, humid Houston, TX. Did I say humid? I walk around my sister’s neighborhood for 40 mins every day, and my shirt is soaked. Yep, gotta drink lots of water down here. Oh, and totally forgot to share a picture last week of my 10-year special coin that Alice got me. This week it’s all about Milo and Murphy.

1. That’s Milo and me. He’s the one who loves lots of TLC. Yeah, does anyone like being licked on their ear? What’s so fascinating about dogs wanting to sniff human ears?
2. Here’s my 10-year coin Alice gave me. I wanted something a bit more festive for the occasion, and she delivered. 🙂
3. Yep, Milo is stealing the show, the dog love bug under the cover and getting into so much trouble.
4. The two of them are brothers, so they like to hang out together, even on the stairs.
5. Milo and Murphy do manage to squeeze into the dog bed together. Did I say they’re almost 5 months? Guess they are a pair. I wonder how much bigger they will get and if they will still be able to sleep in this bed together…
6. I do love, in dry California summers, how sometimes you can find a little patch of color between all the dry brown grass.
7. Love these sunrise pics from our deck in CA. Nothing here in TX can beat that sunrise. I’m grateful for our place in CA. 

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