No matter how much you think you’re prepared for something…

Core Article: No matter how much you think you’re prepared for something…

Paragraph I’m Pondering: “Do not stand at my grave and weep…”

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No matter how much you think you’re prepared for something…

Today’s email isn’t a usual post for me, and I almost didn’t send it. I already missed sending one last week, and the biggest challenge for me is connecting with you when I’m not 100%.

I thought about taking another week off, and it just didn’t feel right. I’ve already been off social media for more than a month, taking care of my mom and myself. And here I am writing to you, wanting to share where I am in hopes it might guide, inspire, or spark something in you.

Back in February, I had to make the hard decision to call in hospice to take over my mom’s care after she went into the hospital on my birthday. Then I went to her memory care home in Houston the first week of March to meet with hospice and go over her care.

It was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do, navigating the slow demise of someone I love, and asking for help became the first and most important thing, whether I liked it or not.

The unknown where I wish I’d felt more prepared was the emotions, the memories, and the slow loss that starts to chip away at you, because that feels much harder to live through.

When I came home from that March trip, I had already said goodbye to my mother in the ways I could, even though it was hard. The most challenging part was that after that February hospital trip, her health and dementia had taken such a big dive.

When I’d visit, she mostly slept, and when she did speak, she was often talking to people who weren’t there, which I later found out it was a sign of her decline. I believe on some level, she knew I was there.Aand I was simply sad that I wouldn’t have another real conversation with her.

I was back home in CA for one week when I got the call from the wonderful hospice nurse who cared for her.  She told me about her visit that day and strongly felt Mom had all the signs that she was going to leave this planet in three to four days. She encouraged me to come and say goodbye. After I talked to my brother, he asked me to please go down there because it would be good for one of us to be there when she died.

When I was packing for that trip, I focused on all the things that might help with my self care. Bringing things like inspiring and comforting books, angel cards, my little Buddha statue, and some healing crystals.

Then I packed Marianne Williamson’s prayer book, Illuminata: A Return to Prayer. It’s so worn that the cover and binding is coming off. I attended a small retreat with her years ago. She took time to pray with me as it was a difficult time for me then and also signed my prayer book. 

When I got on that last-minute plane to Houston in the middle of TSA madness, instead of getting angry or asking why me, I tried to go within and gather whatever strength and loving kindness I could. 

Then one of those small moments of grace that only seem to happen on the hardest days showed up… the woman who helped check me in at the airport was Julie. 

She had met my mom three years ago when my mom was here for Christmas, and terrible storms kept delaying her trip home. Julie and I had become buddies on that very long travel day. Seeing her again on this trip and getting a big hug from her felt like one of those little moments that happen at times like these. (The other weird thing is she wasn’t even supposed to working that day…)

I also knew that when I flew back home here to CA, I would be a different person. And I was going to need every prayer, every ounce of support, and every bit of grace I could muster.

My mom left this earthly plane on March 27 at 9:10 p.m. A little more than 24 hours after I landed in Houston. I was grateful I had time with her and was able to say goodbye to her. And hold the phone to her ear for all my siblings to say their own goodbyes.

And now grief is here.

The worst is when you realize in those moments after death, and the shock wears off, how all the grief in your life that you haven’t processes comes crashing down like the worst hurricane you have ever experienced. 

What is it about grief that you feel utterly and completely alone? How the grief comes in the ebb and flow of the quiet. When the silence comes, the grief is right behind it. 

It’s been harder and more final than I ever imagined, and I don’t think I’ve ever been this scattered and exhausted in my life. This feels different than when Dad died. Maybe it’s because it’s so final now that both of my parents are gone.

I‘ve been hiking in the woods almost every day since I’ve been back. I’m taking it one day, one hour, one minute, and sometimes one second at a time. I know she’s here, and I can feel her presence when I’m in the woods.

There are so many more butterflies this year, and my mom loved butterflies. What’s been different is that over the last couple of days, they keep coming right up to me, flying across my face and really close to my body. That’s never happened before.

Then this morning I saw something incredibly surprising. I’m walking on the trail, and I see a rabbit run right in front of me, maybe fifteen feet away. I stopped to grab my phone, and then there was another, then another, then another. They were so damn fast I couldn’t get my phone out in time, and in total, there were five of them sprinting in front of me.

At first I just thought the number was strange, and then it hit me… There are five of us kids that Mom left behind. Like those rabbits, we’re all healthy, and putting one foot in front of the other every day.

Maybe that was a sign too.

What grief is teaching me right now is not how to do this perfectly. It’s teaching me that self-care in grief may not look pretty or planned, and sometimes it looks like asking for help, bringing the things that comfort you, praying, walking in the woods, having a good cry, or simply taking the next hour as it comes.

So if you’re in your own hard place right now, you don’t need to have it all figured out. You may just need a few things that steady you, and the willingness to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Hands at your back.
Always. 🙂

Shannon

Paragraph I’m Pondering

“Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.” 
~ Mary Elizabeth Frye 1932

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