How life sometimes feels like a continuous excavation in grief

Core Article: How life sometimes feels like a continuous excavation in grief

Quote I’m Pondering: “And when great souls die…”

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How life sometimes feels like a continuous excavation in grief

Have you ever done any excavating, maybe the physical kind, like weeding or digging up your yard? Or maybe the psychological kind, like excavating your memories, thoughts, and experiences… the things you’ve gone through in your life?

That’s where I find myself these days, in excavation mode, not of the backyard kind. 🙂

I’m flying to Houston today because my mother’s health is declining rapidly. What’s interesting is that along with grief, I’m also curious about what grief is stirring up along this journey.

Grief is something I could talk about for a long time. I guess that’s what happens as you age and live on the planet longer: you’re exposed to more of it. And you know how I’m always curious and ask lots of questions.

When grief hits you, it actually permeates your cells and organs and affects you mentally and physically, especially when you’re aware of it. The gift of awareness can be both a blessing and a curse, depending on where you are in your grief.

Another thing I find interesting about grief is that most people associate it with a person or maybe an animal dying. Yet it’s so much bigger than that. Grief can be about loss of any kind: a marriage, a home, your identity, or the life you thought you would have.

Somehow, I often downplayed that in my life by saying, “Oh, this can’t be grief; no one died, so I lost my job, surely that doesn’t warrant all this emotion.”

m right up to the surface.

Have you ever experienced that? Denying grief…

Yeah, that was me back in 1999, which I just wrote about a few weeks ago. My whole world came crashing down. I was in deep grief over losing my job, my marriage, my home, and, more importantly, my identity of who I thought I was. I shared my story back on March 12; you can find it here.

That was one of the biggest grief lessons of my life, and not one many people talk about stuff like that. Yet, if someone can learn from what I’ve gone through, I find it my calling on this planet to keep sharing to guide and inspire you and whoever else reads this. 🙂 

Now, as I face the grief of losing my mother, I can feel how one loss has a way of reaching back and touching the others. It brings old grief right up to the surface… my dog Emma, parts of my past, even questions about my own identity.

That’s the part of grief I find so interesting. You think you’re grieving one thing, and then you realize it has opened all these other connected and unfinished “grief” rooms in your consciousness. 

Grief has a strange way of pulling up your whole network of love, loss, helplessness, and change. So when you’re grieving one big loss, you may suddenly find yourself grieving something else too… your dog, your old identity, your work, your younger self, even parts of your life you thought you had already made peace with.

Maybe that’s why grief can feel so confusing. You’re not only feeling what is happening now. You’re also feeling everything it touches.

As you know, grief is incredibly emotional, yet it’s physical too. It can feel heavy in your body, like a weight around your neck, your shoulders slump, your eyes are heavy, and your whole system is more raw and tired than usual. 

Maybe the work when you or I are experiencing grief is not to judge it or rush it away. It’s about taking time to notice what grief is showing you… What still hurts, still matters, and what part of you is asking not to be left behind?

Simple Things You Can Do In The Moment For Grief:
1. Come back to your body first: When you feel it, don’t let it get to your left thinking/feeling brain, as I shared from Jill Bolte Taylor’s Whole Brain book. Keep this feeling in the present, right feeling brain. Always start by noticing and focusing on your breath, feet, shoulders, and chest to get grounded. Both Thich Nhat Hanh and Pema Chodron teach how the breath and physical sensations give you a stable place to access when your emotions feel too big

2. Let Yourself Feel It: Yeah, OUCH, is what I say to this one. AND, I know how important this one is. Brene Brown shares how the work is to give yourself permission to feel. And, it’s also about staying present and being kind to yourself. Saying kind things to yourself, treating yourself like you would your best friend. And remember, if you’re not ok, don’t tell yourself you’re ok. 

3. Small Acts Can Truly Ground You: There’s a value in naming meaningful moments to stay connected, such as putting your hand on your heart and saying my favorite short mantra, “I’m ok, I’m safe, and I’m loved.” Or another one of my favorites, “May I be peaceful and at ease and filled with loving kindness.“

Remember, when grief is here, the work isn’t to fix or rush through it. It’s about coming back to your body, letting yourself feel what’s here without judging. And doing something small to give you awareness in the present. 

Appreciate you!

Hands at your back always, and I need all the hands I can at mine right now. 🙂

Thank you!

Shannon

P.S. I’m not sure I will be in your inbox next week, as I’m going through this whole process. As I asked my spouse, Alice, earlier, I just need grace, as I’m going through this grief process. 

Quote I’m Pondering

“And when great souls die,

after a period of peace blooms,

slowly and always

irregularly. Spaces fill

with a kind of

soothing electric vibration.

Our senses, restored, never

to be the same, whisper to us.

They existed. They existed.

We can be. Be and be

better. For they existed.”
~ Maya Angelou Excerpt from “When Great Trees Fall.”

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