When Your Feelings Aren’t the Problem

Have you ever noticed how one thought can hijack your body so quickly that, before you know it, you’re not just having a feeling anymore, you’re living inside a whole story?

I wrote a previous newsletter about Jill Bolte Taylor’s work and what happens when your brain just gets too loud. In that eNewsletter, I shared her explanation that an emotional reaction can move through the body in about 90 seconds, unless we keep reactivating it with thought. And that’s the part I keep coming back to.

Because the first spark may be a thought, a memory, a perception, a sensation, or something your body picks up before you even have words for it. Then the body responds. Then the mind starts explaining it. And before long, you’re not simply feeling fear, grief, resistance, or uncertainty anymore. You’re believing the story or stories that formed around it.

This week, I listened to Ezra Klein interview Pema Chödrön, and something clicked for me in a deeper way. Maybe the reason 90 seconds can feel like 90 days is that the story jumps in and starts telling you what the feeling means about you. And then it starts to judge you. Fear becomes, “See, you’re not ready.” Grief says, “You should be further along by now.” Resistance chimes in with, “Maybe this isn’t the right thing after all.” Uncertainty becomes, “Something must be wrong, and you’d better figure it out before everything falls apart.”

That’s where Taylor and Chödrön’s teachings connect the brain/body circuits for me. Taylor gives us the doorway to the brain and body, where the emotional wave can move through safely if we stop feeding it with story. Chödrön gives us the meditation doorway, where the work is letting the storyline go and coming back to the direct experience in the body. One is neuroscience, and the other is spiritual practice, yet both are pointing us toward the same place: come back to the body, come back to now, before we leave ourselves.

And you need to know that this is not a neat little package to easily undo. At least not for me. This process is hard because the last thing you want to do when you’re pissed, sad, scared, or upset is sit there and find where the feeling is in your body. I’d rather argue with it, judge it, fix it, or run and hide from it.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot because, as I shared last week, grief is still here. And honestly, I’m kind of pissed about it. Not surprised, exactly. More frustrated by the way grief brings everything else with it. When you grieve one loss, it’s rarely just that one loss. Other grief, old wounds, and unfinished places can come rushing back, too. So I’m not only grieving my mom. Emma is there too. So are the changes happening in my business.

Then there’s the part of grief that has a way of showing up whenever it decides to. Some mornings, I can be sitting there with my tea or getting ready to meditate, and all of a sudden, there it is, that ache in my chest or the tears that come before I even know what started them. Before long, the questions start. Why am I still crying? How can I miss Emma this much when she’s already been gone ten months? Shouldn’t I be done grieving by now? What does this say about me that I’m still crying?

Does any of that sound familiar? Have you ever gone down these roads, too, in your head when you’re feeling something?

This is where the teaching comes in, because if I follow that thread, which I’ve done plenty of times, I’m not just feeling grief anymore. I’m arguing with grief. I’m getting pissed that it’s still here, and that’s when it gets heavier because the missing is real.

The sadness is real. So are love and heartache. The suffering starts when I decide that I should be done with these feelings, get pissed about it, and try to deny them, which means I’m not allowing them. And yep, that’s what makes the whole thing worse.

And I’m seeing this not only in grief, but in business too. Especially when visibility, writing, marketing, or money bring up old stories before we even realize what’s happening. Chödrön says the central question is how we relate to feelings and discomfort, and that landed for me because isn’t that so much of what we’re trying to do most of the time? We think the better plan is to do whatever we can to avoid discomfort. Or plow through it. Or stay numb enough not to have to feel it.

Yet visibility, grief, marketing, business growth, relationships, and really any meaningful change ask us to stand somewhere in discomfort without knowing exactly how it will turn out. And that’s where the brain gets loud. When you sit down to write the email, make the offer, talk about money, or say what you really do, the body can react before the mind has a chance to explain it. Then the old stories show up, and because the feeling is convincing, they sound true.

This is where the pause matters. It gives you a different relationship with the feeling before your brain turns it into a verdict. Chödrön uses words like befriending, tenderness, and making peace with whatever feeling is here. And as I shared before, honestly, some days tenderness toward sadness, anger, or fear feels like a stretch for me. Still, I can put my hand on my heart, breathe for a minute, and say, “Okay, this sadness is here.” Or, “Okay, this anger is here.” Or, “Okay, this fear is here.” And some days, that may be enough.

So when the feeling wave comes, let’s both do this: Pause, Notice, Feel, Nurture & Let Go:

1. Pause before believing the story.
2. Note where the feeling is in the body.
3. What does it feel like? Ache, tightness, heavy, etc.
4. Put a hand where that feeling is in the body.
5. You can speak to it if it feels ok. Say something like “It’s ok to feel what I’m feeling. I am grateful to be present in this moment, etc.)
6. Stay with this sensation for about 90 seconds without building a whole courtroom case around it. Notice “story” if the mind starts running, then come back to the body. 
7. After the wave has a little room, I ask one simple question: What do I need if anything right now? Take a walk, call a friend, text your spouse, ask for a hug, send the email, etc. 

That question (#7), after the wave has a bit of room, helps because you’re not asking yourself to solve your grief, business, visibility, uncertainty, and everything that has ever happened to you in that moment. You’re asking for one honest next step.

That’s the part I’m still learning. I’m in practice mode. It’s more like, “Okay, I’m sad. I’m pissed. I’m scared. And yep, I’m judging myself again. I’m willing to stay here for one or two more breaths before I go down that story road of emotional no return.”

Because the point isn’t to get rid of grief, fear, anger, resistance, or any feeling you have. The point is to stop abandoning ourselves the minute they show up, especially when our brain wants to turn the feeling into a verdict about who we are or what’s possible.

So if your brain starts judging you this week, or tries to talk you out of what you’re feeling, come back to the practice: Pause, Notice, Feel, Nurture, and Let Go. Then ask yourself, “What do I need right now?”

Let me know if this resonates with you. I’m always curious what you think and if this helps. 🙂 

Hands at your back.
Always,
Xox
Shannon

1. Yep, watched Ruby this week, love this dog. She doesn’t bark, loves to walk, explore, and play with the neighborhood dogs, and is just so cuddly. Alice and I may be looking for a dog in the fall. We have a bunch of travel through August, and it’s time to welcome a new dog.
2. Yeah, Ruby and I love our time on the kitchen banquette, and of course, with her ball.
3. Saw this beautiful butterfly on my walk this week. It’s hard to get them cuz they’re soooo fast and don’t like any noises around them…
4. The weather this past weekend was cloudy and rainy, which made for some nice trail shots with clouds. Sadly, that’s probably the last we’ll see rain and clouds until October. 🙁
5. There’s something about deer. In Animal Medicine, the deer is one of the most powerful symbols of gentleness, sensitivity, and the strength of an open heart. And one of the core teachings of Deer is learning how to keep your heart open in a world that can sometimes feel harsh or disappointing.
6. This is an interesting rock formation, which almost looks like some angel wings. What do you think?
7. Check out those serious clouds over the Sacramento River and Shasta Bally. The reflection is the water is my favorite.

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