The identity shift no one really talks about

It’s early in the morning, and the sun will be up in a bit. I’m sitting at my kitchen banquette. There’s something about being in this expansive space with just my journal and my thoughts. And memories of my dog Emma, who loved to snuggle with me here in the cold mornings of winter.

It’s my favorite writing space, where I get a lot of my ideas. Even when it’s hard to pick up my pen, I try to do it anyway. 

I pick up one of my favorite daily reading books by Melody Beattie, More Language of Letting Go. As I read her words about grief, I notice how much I’m judging mine. 

In the darkness, aloneness, and quiet, that’s when the grief comes. It starts with a glance at the picture of Emma, who died 11 months ago. And then comes the thought I still don’t know what to do with, that I’m grieving her more than my mom, who died 2 months ago.

Geez… How do you explain that?

Maybe you’ve had a feeling like this too. Something happens, and the feeling that shows up doesn’t match the story you think you’re supposed to be having. You lose a friend, a client, or something happens, and you find yourself upset. And then, instead of just letting yourself feel what’s there, you start judging it.

When I asked this question to a dear friend, “How can I miss my dog more than my mom?” she said, “Loving a dog is pure, no strings, no complicated emotions or relationships. A dog is just pure love.  A dog is just pure love. It’s not tangled in old stories and hurts and things you never got to say.” And my mom and I’s relationship was incredibly complicated. So maybe all that love has nowhere to go. 

That helped me, because I think so many of us do this strange thing when life changes. We try to fix it and basically throw the feelings in a virtual locked box or under the rug.

My thoughts continue to spiral into emotions. I think about my Dad, who died 15 years ago, and now my mom is gone, and I’m not a dog mom anymore. 

So many “no turning back” and identity-shifting moments I’m feeling, as I reach for a Kleenex and start to judge myself. Then I remember what my therapist said, “It’s not helpful when you judge your feelings, Shannon, or discount and get mad at them. It’s times like these you need to tend and befriend them.”

Ok, I’m thinking, “I hear you,” and immediately put my hand on my heart and say, “It’s ok, Shannon, to feel this grief, this sadness, it’s here, and there’s so much love here for you too.” I close my eyes, then simply breathe in and out, and sit there, feeling a little silly, with my hand on my heart, which still feels heavy.

And that’s the part I want you to hear, if you’re going through some kind of loss or change, too. The point isn’t that the grief disappears when you put your hand on your heart. Mine didn’t. The ache was still there. What changed was that I stopped arguing with myself for a few breaths. I didn’t push my feelings away. I offered it a little loving kindness.

Something in me starts to shift. My shoulders relax, and my breathing slows down. Then my thoughts continue, noticing the finality of this chapter of my life that’s ending. I’m officially an orphan, which just sounds and feels so weird. Almost like it doesn’t make sense. Aren’t I a bit old to be an orphan?

At times like this, I feel like I’m walking around with identities that have changed before I had time to catch up. You become a person without parents. Or whose business is shifting. And who’s technically fine. Except some part of you is still stuck standing in the hallway of life, wondering what just happened and when that next door will open.

Yet, the real work for me is staying in this new chapter and identity. Then being able to hold the space for the one who ended.

Can I comfort and be kind to myself? Can I allow myself to grieve my parents, my dog, and my business that feels like it’s ending and morphing into something else? 

Sometimes it feels like my life is in a free fall. My conscious mind wants to leap in and fix it, deny, escape, and run away from it. It just wants this chapter to end.

Yet, I know I need to stay in this. No fixes or escaping. I just need to “be with” whatever shows up every day. 

Maybe grief, change, and these strange identity shifts don’t need to be explained before we’re allowed to be kind to ourselves.

That’s what I keep coming back to as the sun begins to come up outside my kitchen window. I don’t need to rank my losses, judge what hurts more, or decide if I’m grieving the “right” way. I don’t need to turn this into a better story before I’m ready.

And maybe that’s where you and I begin, when we don’t know how to move forward. Not with some grand declaration that we’re healed. And definitely not forcing ourselves to be grateful, wise, or over it before we’re ready. Just by noticing the place inside us that hurts and refusing to abandon it.

Healing can start here, in this small morning moment, with my hand on my heart, my breath coming back, and the tiniest bit of loving kindness for the part of me that’s not quite ready to let go.

So if change is showing up for you in some strange, inconvenient, impossible-to-explain way, maybe this is your reminder too.

What I’m embracing in this moment is the uncertainty, the in-betweenness of my identities. You and I don’t have to understand what’s happening perfectly to be kind and loving to ourselves.

Let me know if this resonates with you. I’m always curious what you think. 🙂 

Hands at your back.
Always,
Xox
Shannon

1. These two turkeys and I have been seeing each other quite a lot lately. They’re always on the same trail that I like to hike. I love how they are always looking at me as they walk away.
2. I got to dog-sit Ruby twice this month. I love this dog. She’s such a snuggle bug. I took her on a 10k-step walk and to a playdate with my friend’s dog. She was so tired later in the day that she curled up in a ball on my lap.
3. Meet Albert, he’s our resident lizard. He looks huge, that’s cuz of my angle, he’s actually maybe about 10 inches when you include his tail. He loves to roam around our yard, prance, and do his lizard push-ups; it’s actually a thing. These lizards are called Western Fence lizards, also known as “Blue belly” lizards. Their color is greyish blue. My photo doesn’t do it justice. The sun was shining a bit too brightly.
4. Sometimes, when the timing is just right on the highway, I can get a pretty cool picture of Mt. Shasta, whose snow is slowly melting as it gets ready for summer.
5. Yep, Ruby loves her duck. She’s got a terrific happy face. What dog doesn’t like to chase stuffed animals around the yard?!
6. These aren’t just ordinary strawberries. We grew them in our little backyard garden. Interesting how the ones you grow just seem to taste so much better than the ones you buy. 🙂
7. I came across this HUGE flock of Canadian geese. Wow, that’s a gaggle of them already. Kind of scared me when they all started getting out of the water. They’re not too friendly.

P.S.S. Personal Invitation – You know your work matters, and maybe something in you shuts down the minute it’s time to get the word out there about what you do. I want you to know that you’re not lazy, inconsistent, or lacking discipline. You’re brilliant at what you do. And you’re too close to it. That’s where I can come in and guide you in focusing on your mindset, messaging, and marketing. They all work together to create your successful business. Interested in discovering more? Leave a comment or click this page to send me a message.

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